Yesterday I talked about graduation. I explained feelings of joy and excitement and what a proud accomplishment it will be when I walk across that stage in front of my family.
But I’d be lying if I told you that happiness is all I’d feel.
Uncertainty scares me. Sure, I’ll have a piece of paper that says I’m qualified to do some things, but that doesn’t mean ill do them.
Now I’m not saying I don’t think I’ll be okay, but I just don’t know what’s next and that’s a little scary.
It doesn’t help that most students stare at me wide-eyed and in awe when i say “I don’t know what’s next,” but i try to act cool and collective like I know what I’m doing.
Truth is, I don’t
What I do know is that I’m going home to a family and community who is depending on me.
To be a leader. To influence change. To serve.
And that’s scary too.
I don’t need anyone to tell me that I deserve it. I know I do, but sometimes I feel like I don’t.
I can’t quite explain it.
From the beginning, when I got to college and realized how different I was as a student of color, different class and different culture I immediately felt as if i didn’t belong.
Do I still feel that way? Not completely.
But for some reason I feel as if graduation still will not make me feel like i belong.
I hate that.
I’m not gonna miss the homework.
I’m not gonna miss relaxing on a Saturday or Sunday night when that “oh sh**,” feeling hits you and you realize you have an assignment due in a couple hours.
But I will miss the people and the experiences college has offered me.
It’s not about the fun or the going out, but I’ve grown so much since freshman year.
I’m a completely different person, and leaving a place where I’ve done so much learning, growing and living will be hard.
I’ve worked through some of the hardest times of my life here. I’ve met people who have changed me and leaving that will be hard.
Lastly, sometimes I don’t believe in myself. Where I’m from, there aren’t many examples of people who have graduated college and can tell you what life is like post-education.
I have so many questions.
What if I’m not good enough?
What if I fail?
What if this is the wrong career path?
What if I can’t find a job?
So many feelings at once and I don’t know how to handle them.
I think experience will provide all the answers I need and there is really only one way to deal with it all.
Keep moving forward. I need to make sure that these feelings aren’t going to stop me from at least doing that.